Holding On And Letting Go

I have held many things in my hands,

and I have lost them all;

but whatever I have placed in God's hands,

that I still possess.

-Martin Luther

Why do I hang on when it is better to let go? Because I don't realize I am hanging on till the ache of it is too great. Every day I carry a prayer that things will look up. Have more faith. Practice optimism. Count my blessings. After awhile my teeth are aching from clenching and my muscles twitch from holding back words that might be hurtful.
So, today, I start again. Turning my burdens over to the Lord. Doing all I can do and trusting him with the rest. answers to prayers aren't always swift or what we expect. I know we have gone through unemployment before and it hasn't killed us yet.
I am going to take another couple of walks today and think about positive things. Great weather, blossoms, birds, children's laughter, safe neighborhood, kind friends, good kids, husband who loves me, pretty good health, clothes on my back and food in my tummy. Yes, it could be much worse. Let me remember this.

Nobody Gets Out of Here Without Singing the Blues

I'm spending a lot of time swallowing words. My brain is working overtime turning my negative thoughts into positive ones. I resent that I can't go to the grocery cuz I don't hold the purse strings. So, I write a list and Brian goes. Sometimes he calls me to clarify items. Always he calls when he gets home so I can bring groceries in and put them away. I'd rather just be able to go myself.
I don't go shopping. I don't go out. I don't spend money. I am trying to not be a drain on finances. But it is draining my soul to be supportive, patient and optimistic. Not at first. But after a couple of months I get stretched quite thin.
Rationally, I know he is working hard. He isn't happy being out of work. The stress of it made him so sick that he couldn't even think clearly for a month or so. I hurt for him and wish I could wave a wand and fix this. Really all I can do is let him know I love him no matter what. And I do love him with no conditions set.My fear is that I can't stop this feeling of being helpless and depressed to the extent of suicide.
What words am I not saying?
Imagine someone drowning and their watery cries for help that get softer and weaker. Calling for help that won't come. "Help me"
Imagine the hysterical crazy street woman screaming at the top of her lungs about what other people are doing wrong. "Stop acting selfishly and hurtfully"
I would rather be happy, even peaceful. There is just so much happy-happy inside me and when it is used up, I'm empty.
Prayer and reading scriptures keep me from jumping of a building. It keeps my heart full enough of love that I can't bring myself to resent Brian. I know he is hurting too.
Whatever it takes, whatever he needs to close the deal, to get a job, I can't do for him. That is the helplessness. It drains me to to point that I struggle to find some openhearted smile for him as much as I want to.
What would I like? Back to the magic wand plan.... Brian to get a job that makes him feel good. Needed and useful. Around people who respect each other.Then I won't feel like I am responsible for his peace of mind anymore. And if I am not drained all the time, I can be stronger and healthier inside.
I can't change Brian. I can't go get someone to hire him. I can continue to pray for him and for us. I can look for ways to be supportive when he want me to be. I can try to relax.

They're so cute

Curiouser and curiouser
(As literary phrases often do, "curiouser and curiouser" has basically become literary shorthand for feeling of wonder and disbelief.)

My friend glen just posted something that really made me think: "If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there," describes perfectly how most of us live.

Our kids are coming to visit and witness our youngest son get married. And I think about the roads they are on. And the road I am on. How many of us will meet before all roads join again in Heaven? It is funny to me that I want to stress over having them all together and at the same time hold them tight to me and somehow give them hope and strength till the next time I see them.
Some roads are harder than others. I would like to say I taught them and guided as best I could, a couple of them continually choose the harder path. I believe they will get the same place I am going in the end, but, the heartaches they endure with their choices.
Doesn't Heavenly Father have the same worries, though?
So I am telling myself to trust the Lord and enjoy my kids while they are here. the house will be full, but my heart will be also.

I'm Not Getting Out Enough

The allergy season has left me beaten but not broken this year. Like having to wear glasses after 40-odd years of great vision, allergies are tough to figure out. Just taking a walk can set me back days. Can I trade this old body in for a new one?

Speaking of taking a walk, I know I should get out of the house more. Other than swimming right behind my house, I don't get outside much these days. When I do, I rush back as fast as I can. If you have ever snorkeled, you know it is bunches of fun. So pretty and exciting. But no matter how good your equipment is, or how beautiful the ocean life, you can only stay under for so long. You are holding your breath. That's what it feels like to me. Holding my breath till I get back.

I don't want to give the impression that I don't like going places. I do. The farther away the better. Europe, the South, Hawaii, Disneyland. All are wonderful and I love to plan a trip. I look forward to going away and doing fun things.

But day to day? I go to the store, and rush back. Go to the library and come right home. Actually I go days without leaving at all. My world is small and safe. It feels right to be that way, but it probably isn't normal at all.

Isn't recognizing a problem the first step? So I am writing this down and putting a place holder here. I don't know what the next step is. Praying for inspiration.

allergies...

Adventures

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Beloved and I have done a bit of traveling, so I’m not complaining that I never go anywhere. We have had adventures and hope to have many more, we talk and dream of things we’d love to do. But in the last couple of years, it has mostly dreaming. Then next adventure we’d have… someday. Always in the future, always around the corner. Next month. Next season. Next year. We don’t really make plans due to financial strain or job obligations.

But on last week we had an adventure. Sure we spent more that we should have and could feel depressed about it. But the memory of our smiles will warm my heart for many moons to come. Happy birthday to me.