Holding On And Letting Go

I have held many things in my hands,

and I have lost them all;

but whatever I have placed in God's hands,

that I still possess.

-Martin Luther

Why do I hang on when it is better to let go? Because I don't realize I am hanging on till the ache of it is too great. Every day I carry a prayer that things will look up. Have more faith. Practice optimism. Count my blessings. After awhile my teeth are aching from clenching and my muscles twitch from holding back words that might be hurtful.
So, today, I start again. Turning my burdens over to the Lord. Doing all I can do and trusting him with the rest. answers to prayers aren't always swift or what we expect. I know we have gone through unemployment before and it hasn't killed us yet.
I am going to take another couple of walks today and think about positive things. Great weather, blossoms, birds, children's laughter, safe neighborhood, kind friends, good kids, husband who loves me, pretty good health, clothes on my back and food in my tummy. Yes, it could be much worse. Let me remember this.

Nobody Gets Out of Here Without Singing the Blues

I'm spending a lot of time swallowing words. My brain is working overtime turning my negative thoughts into positive ones. I resent that I can't go to the grocery cuz I don't hold the purse strings. So, I write a list and Brian goes. Sometimes he calls me to clarify items. Always he calls when he gets home so I can bring groceries in and put them away. I'd rather just be able to go myself.
I don't go shopping. I don't go out. I don't spend money. I am trying to not be a drain on finances. But it is draining my soul to be supportive, patient and optimistic. Not at first. But after a couple of months I get stretched quite thin.
Rationally, I know he is working hard. He isn't happy being out of work. The stress of it made him so sick that he couldn't even think clearly for a month or so. I hurt for him and wish I could wave a wand and fix this. Really all I can do is let him know I love him no matter what. And I do love him with no conditions set.My fear is that I can't stop this feeling of being helpless and depressed to the extent of suicide.
What words am I not saying?
Imagine someone drowning and their watery cries for help that get softer and weaker. Calling for help that won't come. "Help me"
Imagine the hysterical crazy street woman screaming at the top of her lungs about what other people are doing wrong. "Stop acting selfishly and hurtfully"
I would rather be happy, even peaceful. There is just so much happy-happy inside me and when it is used up, I'm empty.
Prayer and reading scriptures keep me from jumping of a building. It keeps my heart full enough of love that I can't bring myself to resent Brian. I know he is hurting too.
Whatever it takes, whatever he needs to close the deal, to get a job, I can't do for him. That is the helplessness. It drains me to to point that I struggle to find some openhearted smile for him as much as I want to.
What would I like? Back to the magic wand plan.... Brian to get a job that makes him feel good. Needed and useful. Around people who respect each other.Then I won't feel like I am responsible for his peace of mind anymore. And if I am not drained all the time, I can be stronger and healthier inside.
I can't change Brian. I can't go get someone to hire him. I can continue to pray for him and for us. I can look for ways to be supportive when he want me to be. I can try to relax.

They're so cute

Curiouser and curiouser
(As literary phrases often do, "curiouser and curiouser" has basically become literary shorthand for feeling of wonder and disbelief.)

My friend glen just posted something that really made me think: "If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there," describes perfectly how most of us live.

Our kids are coming to visit and witness our youngest son get married. And I think about the roads they are on. And the road I am on. How many of us will meet before all roads join again in Heaven? It is funny to me that I want to stress over having them all together and at the same time hold them tight to me and somehow give them hope and strength till the next time I see them.
Some roads are harder than others. I would like to say I taught them and guided as best I could, a couple of them continually choose the harder path. I believe they will get the same place I am going in the end, but, the heartaches they endure with their choices.
Doesn't Heavenly Father have the same worries, though?
So I am telling myself to trust the Lord and enjoy my kids while they are here. the house will be full, but my heart will be also.

I'm Not Getting Out Enough

The allergy season has left me beaten but not broken this year. Like having to wear glasses after 40-odd years of great vision, allergies are tough to figure out. Just taking a walk can set me back days. Can I trade this old body in for a new one?

Speaking of taking a walk, I know I should get out of the house more. Other than swimming right behind my house, I don't get outside much these days. When I do, I rush back as fast as I can. If you have ever snorkeled, you know it is bunches of fun. So pretty and exciting. But no matter how good your equipment is, or how beautiful the ocean life, you can only stay under for so long. You are holding your breath. That's what it feels like to me. Holding my breath till I get back.

I don't want to give the impression that I don't like going places. I do. The farther away the better. Europe, the South, Hawaii, Disneyland. All are wonderful and I love to plan a trip. I look forward to going away and doing fun things.

But day to day? I go to the store, and rush back. Go to the library and come right home. Actually I go days without leaving at all. My world is small and safe. It feels right to be that way, but it probably isn't normal at all.

Isn't recognizing a problem the first step? So I am writing this down and putting a place holder here. I don't know what the next step is. Praying for inspiration.

allergies...

Adventures

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Beloved and I have done a bit of traveling, so I’m not complaining that I never go anywhere. We have had adventures and hope to have many more, we talk and dream of things we’d love to do. But in the last couple of years, it has mostly dreaming. Then next adventure we’d have… someday. Always in the future, always around the corner. Next month. Next season. Next year. We don’t really make plans due to financial strain or job obligations.

But on last week we had an adventure. Sure we spent more that we should have and could feel depressed about it. But the memory of our smiles will warm my heart for many moons to come. Happy birthday to me.

Oops, I was havingtoo much fun

I was having too much fun on Friday to post my number 1 favorite thing out Disneyland. As it is never too late to love this happy place...
#1 favorite thing? the magic!

We had so much fun at Disneyland on my birthday. At least 1000 other folks, big and small celebrated their birthday at Disneyland that day also. I'll post photos tomorrow. but for now, I am happy and tired and not sad at turning 50 at all. If this friday was any indication of the coming year, it's going to be a great one!

1 day away

I am excited! Tomorrow Beloved and I play in the magic kingdom. Today I list the thing about Disneyland that is my second all time favorite:
2. the rides! yeah!


Perfect for a hot day.Fun/scary drop and you get wet!

The Haunted Mansion has been a must ride for me for years. The room that drops and the terrific special effects make me smile every time.


Who doesn't think of Johnny Depp these days when you ride the Pirates of the Caribbean? It's an oldie but a goodie.

Indiana Jones ride is my all time favorite ride at the park. You know, I love them all, but some I will stand in line for a long time for. This is the best of the best to me. Maybe I will just ride it over and over. hmmmm.

Coming closer, closer to my birthday

Countdown to my 50th birthday
Things I love about Disneyland....
3. Shopping

classic disney stuff, like shirts,

kid smile makers, like balloons,

and Mickey ear hats,

an endless supply of pins to collect -yes, I do!

Christmas ornaments to satisfy every member of a Disney lovin' family,


lovely gifts like this carraige made of spun glass,

And art like this wonderful framed Jiminy Cricket; one of my sweethearts favorite Disney characters.
The days are flying by and we are getting closer to our fun day at the Happiest Place on Earth. Beloved and I drove to San Diego today so he can go to customer appointments tomorrow. Think I'll read for awhile before sleep. My big plans for tomorrow? Pedicure. Tough life.

countdown to 50th birthday

Things I love about Disneyland...
4. Grand Californian Hotel and Spa



It is a beautiful and well maintained property and soooo close to the parks and Downtown Disney. There is a wonderful fireplace, big enough to enjoy and not feel crowded.



The rooms are not huge, but very charming and comfortable. There are quiet courtyard rooms and rooms with a view of the park.

We love the concierge floor. Separate check-in, very personalized service and a lounge with hot and cold running food all day. Cartoons in the background, cast members playing board games with kids while parents take a breath. And best of all, great view of the evening fireworks without the crowds.



And the spa... completely necessary for any vacation! In the interests of modesty, you only get to see the sign.

Here is where I start my countdown to the big 5-0. Lucky for me, I get to spend it in Disneyland with Beloved, my favorite Belle in the world and her sweetheart, Patric-with-a-"c".
My birthday is Friday, so this week I will be thinking about what I love about The Happiest Place On Earth.
5. The beautiful landscaping. Flowers everywhere!

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

I love her so much, but I'm pretty tired these days....

Gratitude for spiritual gifts on Easter Sunday

Without Easter Without Easter,
there would be no hope of heaven.
Without the hope of heaven,
there would be no repentance,
no personal transformation,
no attempt to follow biblical principles.
Without Easter,
the world would be in chaos
and darkness.
Jesus’ death and resurrection
means we can be reborn,
to live better, to do better,
to shine light into the shadows.
Hallelujah!
Happy, Happy Easter.

"I am the resurrection and the life.

Whoever believes in me will live even though he dies;

and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

More Lavender for Easter

Lavender has become the color for this year's Easter. One thing after another catches my eye, then it's too late. A little while ago I showed you the shoes I prettied up for Baby J's Easter dress. With that in mind I started seeing other cute stuff



Then I came across the one perfect thing. I had to have it.


I will be wearing this dapper little gentleman on Sunday. Pam at FolkArt Tree at Etsy.com is brilliant.
The house is clean, the garden has flowers, there is food in the house and gas in the car. my very loved B & A are coming to town for Easter and I am feeling pretty ready. And Happy. Thats a good thing. Hope your preparations for the weekend are bringing you good feelings. Happy Thursday from me on a happy day

Beloved and Ty were both getting ready to leave for work and Baby J decided she was going to work also. She picked up a toy and was ready to go. Ty asked her where she worked and she proptly replied, " at the beach". She said her job is to wake up the sand.

In The Garden

Yesterday, Baby J helped me plant impatiens in the back garden. Yes, they are white. I'm so predictable. We had to put up a little fence across half of the area so Missy couldn't eat the flowers. After amending the soil, I would dig a hole and J would put the plant into hole. We both filled in the dirt after that. We were both happy and covered with dirt and had to hose off. Luckily it was a beautiful day. Playing in the water is a favorite part of life for J. She may be part fish.
It is raining today, so I'm glad we got the plants into the ground. Our little garden looks pretty for Easter weekend and we had fun.

Easter shoes

With Easter coming soon, we got a totally adorable dress for baby J from Tammy at
I wanted some cute lavender shoes to go with it, but couldn't find any. So I got some white sneakers from Babies-R-Us and glued some lavender sparklies on them. They turned out pretty cute!

"What is femininity?

This conference Sunday I wanted to leave you with this excerpt from a blog I frequent:

"What is femininity? Does it mean that one must have long hair and wear skirts? Does it (God forbid) imply pettiness, timidity, and uselessness? The answer is, No! True, godly femininity is first and foremost an attitude of the heart; femininity gives courage and strength and vision to the daughters of the Almighty. Femininity understands and embraces the fact that God has created man and woman equal, but with different roles and responsibilities. A feminine woman is one who does not seek to be a man or function in man's role, but to function in her God-given role (Titus 2:4-5). She is diligent (Proverbs 31, esp. vs 13 &17), she is a servant and a studious student of the Word of Life. She seeks to pass the lessons that God teaches her to other young women, as well as to her siblings or children. She is a woman of prayer, understanding that "the prayers of a righteous man availeth much" and in her labors she is a vital asset in the spiritual war that we are engaged in. She embraces purity, her desire is to avoid the heart of the wicked, but to rather exhibit the heart attitude of Godliness."

Beloved and I watched Sunday morning session of April conference while teaching: showing, discussing, directing and rewarding reverent behavior. Reverence takes a lifetime but in small steps we are seeing her sit still longer. She recognizes the Tab choir when they sing and today was curious about why someone was praying on t.v.
Hey at least she was paying that much attention!
It's a beautiful day to have a sabbath day.

Have you ever...

Have you?:

1. started your own blog x

2. slept under the stars x

3. played in a band

4. visited Hawaii x

5. watched a meteor shower

6. given more than you can afford to charity x

7. been to disneyland/world xx

8. climbed a mountain x

9. held a praying mantis

10. sang a solo x

11. bungee jumped

12. visited paris x

13. watched a lightning storm at sea x

14. taught yourself an art from scratch

15. adopted a child

16. had food poisoning x

17. walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. grown your own vegetables x

19. seen the mona lisa in france x

20. slept on an overnight train

21. had a pillow fight x

22. hitch hiked

23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill x

24. built a snow fort

25. held a lamb x

26. gone skinny dipping x

27. run a marathon

28. ridden in a gondola in venice x

29. seen a total eclipse x

30. watched a sunrise or sunset x

31. hit a home run (ha ha...only playing kickball.....with KIDS)

32. been on a cruise x

33. seen niagara falls in person x

34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. seen an amish community

36. taught yourself a new language

37. had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person

39. gone rock climbing

40. seen michelangelo’s davidx

41. sung karaoke x

42. seen old faithful geyser erupt

43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. visited africa

45. walked on a beach by moonlight x

46. been transported in an ambulance x

47. had your portrait painted

48. gone deep sea fishing

49. seen the sistine chapel in person x

50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris x

51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling x

52. kissed in the rain x

53. played in the mud x

54. gone to a drive-in theater x

55. been in a movie

56. visited the great wall of china

57. started a business

58. taken a martial arts class

59. visited russia

60. served at a soup kitchen

61. sold girl scout cookies x

62. gone whale watching x

63. gotten flowers for no reason x

64. donated blood, platelets or plasma x

65. gone sky diving

66. visited a nazi concentration camp x

67. bounced a check x

68. flown in a helicopter x

69. saved a favorite childhood toy

70. visited the lincoln memorial x

71. eaten caviar x gross

72. pieced a quilt

73. stood in times square x

74. toured the everglades

75. been fired from a job x

76. seen the changing of the guards in london

77. broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. seen the grand canyon in person

80. published a book

81. visited the Vatican x

82. bought a brand new car x

83. walked in Jerusalem x

84. had your picture in the newspaper x

85. read the entire Bible x

86. visited the white house x

87. killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. had chickenpox x

89. saved someone’s life

90. sat on a jury

91. met someone famous x

92. joined a book club

93. lost a loved one x

94. had a baby x

95. seen the alamo in person x

96. swam in the great salt lake

97. owned a cell phone x

98. been stung by a bee x

99. wrote a poem for someone else x

100. given a toast at a wedding